Harassed by Building Super

Dear Safety Solutions:  I am a 25 year old, married grad student who is being sexually harassed by a porter/handyman in my building.  He has flirted with me, made remarks, invited me into an empty apartment, and become angry with me when I've ignored him. I filed a formal complaint with the super, landlord, and the police and have also gone to see the building super personally accompanied by my husband and father-in-law.

The landlord responded by saying he would "take care of it."  What that meant exactly was not clarified to me other than that he'd talk to the guy.  After this, the guy went AWOL for a while and I was beginning to believe he had actually been fired. Then yesterday I spotted him in the building cleaning.

So far he has stayed away from me but I'm not sure how to respond.  Is it best to ignore him? Should I speak to him myself and tell him to stay away from me (difficult, since he speaks mostly Spanish)?  All I want is to feel and be safe again.

CG, New York City

Dear CG:   You did a lot of things right in your attempts to handle the situation.  It was absolutely correct to document every incident of harassment and file a  written complaint with the super and/or landlord.  Written documentation is also important in case you eventually go to court.  Keep a journal and note the date, time, location and details of each incident.  Also keep written documentation of every conversation with your building management and the police. 

Follow up assertively with your landlord and request to know exactly what actions were taken (including whether you were identified as the complainant). To obtain documentation if  the super will only respond  verbally, press for specifics, then send  two copies of a letter recapping each conversation, stating "in our conversation of (date), you said that you took the following measures to ensure that the harassment would not continue" and then list everything that was promised.   In the last paragraph, request that any changes be noted if your recap was incorrect and that a corrected version be returned to you.  If building management doesn't respond, you can claim to have accurate records.

It was also important that you filed a complaint with the Police.  Unfortunately, they usually can't take action unless you're directly threatened with harm, but this is the first step should you decide to file for a Restraining Order.  Restraining Orders are very imperfect devices, and they can't be enforced until after they've been violated, but they're part of the arsenal you'll need to pursue a legal remedy.  The penalties for the violation of an Order vary from state to state, and are not always very severe, so check with a local woman's organization or agency that deals with  harassment cases for advice on their pros and cons, as well as the appropriateness of other courses of action.

Since the porter has returned to work, don't ignore him. Simply acknowledge his presence with a businesslike look of awareness and perhaps a nod if he greets you (your judgment call here). Keep your expression calm and neutral, showing neither anger nor friendliness.  Don't engage in any conversations with him.  Plan ahead and rehearse how you'll respond in future encounters (see the "Be Mentally Prepared" Exercise at the top of this page).  It might be useful, for example, to learn a few Spanish phrases like "leave me alone" or "this behavior is unwanted, stop now," since the porter speaks primarily Spanish. That way, there'll be no excuse of  "mixed messages" or "misunderstandings" due to language barriers.

For tips on how to respond in a confrontation, go to the Safety Tips section of my website  (http://www.fightsafe.com/safetytips.html) and download the free articles "Talking Your Way Out of a Rape" and "10 Tips for Keeping Yourself Safe!"  There are also many books available on this subject that you might want to look through.

Lastly, take preventive action.  To ensure safety within your apartment, ask your local Crime Prevention Officer to come over and do a safety assessment (it's free).  He or she can  advise you about locks, alarms and other safety devices.  Getting a big, protective dog might also be an option.  Buy a canister of pepper spray to carry with you and a canister of pepper foam to keep in your apartment.  Pepper spray is legal in all 50 states, but each state has different restrictions on its purchase and use.  Check with your local police before purchasing.  Download my Defense Spray Tips from the site linked above so you'll know how to use it properly.  Last, but not least, take a self defense course to learn defenses against a possible sexual assault.

I know it's horrible to live under these conditions, and at times it will be  inconvenient and frustrating following through with what you have to do,  but, obtaining knowledge and taking action are the best things to help you regain some sense of safety and peace of mind. 

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